A to E, F to M, N to Z

If you were never worried about seeing this film, I wouldn't recommend that you go out of your way to do so. If you, like me, had your interest semi-spurred by the promotional materials, or more pointedly, that Eminem song that doesn't sound like your average Eminem track, I'd like to clear up some of that misinformation. I was hoping to hear that track and perhaps more new, original tracks in the "rap battles," and even after the introduction to them, my hope remained 'cause we see him writing lyrics throughout the film. However, from beginning to end, the "rap battles" are just schoolyard taunts with guys rapping and rhyming. The promotional track, which seemed to be the only original rap track, had maybe its first thrity seconds used as background music at one point, and then again, at the very end leading into the credits. Considering this was the only reason I gave a shit about seeing this one, I was let down by it.
So now, pissing and moaning and disappointment being out there, I can say this film wasn't bad. In fact, it was good, just not as good as I hoped. It was definitely one of the best shot and directed films I've seen this year. I can't even put down any of the acting in it. The story of Jimmy (Eminem) and his friends trying to survive and trying to make it in their world is very watchable, and avoids the cliche and B-movie stench that this sort of film normally gravitates toward. There's a lot of swearing but it's not disturbing, and feels like natural dialogue. I guess it's a matter of taste if the violence disturbs you. I didn't have a problem with it. Of the whopping three sex scenes, they were also surprisingly underplayed, and I think the only nudity you see is 10 seconds of Kim Basinger's back and ass, again breaking away from the gratutious nature one might expect from this type of film.
Saying this is one of the best "rap" films made loses some of its power when you realize Disorderlies, and more recently, DMX/action star team-ups are the competition in that department. However, I believe this is a film that should be looked at when studios in the future try to make viable and profitable projects in this genre.

Okay, let's see if I can scare you in two words: Joel Schumacher. This could very well be Schumacher's worst film. Also, it does run with the bland type of shite Nic Cage has made with his recent career. In this film, Cage plays a great detective, much like Darryl Zero, who garners a powerful clientele and is hired by an old widow to find out if a snuff film she found in her dead husband's vault is real. Let's proceed from the bad premise to Cage tracking down the runaway who appeared in the film in order for him to have ten to fifteen minutes of useless dialogue with her mother, and eventually finding the lead that she ran away to Hollywood so long ago.
After much wasted time for both Cage and viewer, enter Joaquin Phoenix, who gives the one somewhat inspired performances in this film, as a porn shop worker who magically knows all about the undeground porno world (so beware those porn shop workers.) Phoenix, the enigmatic lost soul, leads Cage through this underworld looking for snuff, which the film wrongly connects directly to bondage. Eventually, it's like the whole film was filler to reach this point, all the characters look either like a mix of Trent Reznor and Marilyn Manson, or the gimp from Pulp Fiction, and the action part of the film begins. The saddest part of all is that this pretty much feels like filler too. I don't really want to go too much into this, but I do wish to say they truly got a virtuoso hack to finish this film, leaving me not caring what was going on with the exception of my desire to have this train wreck end quickly.
I endorse burning a copy of this film, if you have it near by.

Though not quite as compelling as Cruel Intentions, this modernization of The Taming Of The Shrew is still extremely entertaining and a positive morality play for its intended audience. Julia Stiles is the anti-social sister who refuses to follow the crowd, and who must date before her younger sister can go out. Geeky Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays the boy who wants to date this younger sister and sets up a rather complex plan to get Stiles dating the bad boy in school, played by Heath Ledger. As Stiles and Ledger get past both of their horrible reputations and truly get to know one another, they, of course, fall in love, though its tainted origins bring about severe conflict.
Though fluffy at the edges, and mostly a comedy, the serious, emotional scenes proved to be both believable and effective, even when it's obvious the film is manipulating you. One of the most surprising performances was by comedian Larry Miller as Stiles' father who, while being humorous, still came across as a very real, fearful, loving parent. Overall, this film was wonderful and a great date flick. Come on guys, go out and rent this one, and show your woman how sensitive you are as you cry when Stiles reads her sonnet. I did, only without the woman to impress. In fact, I'm a little misty remembering it, oh please...sniff...oh please, go away!..sniff, sniff

I must say that I'm glad I sat through this one. This time Sandra Bullock plays a recovering alcoholic in rehab with a group of touching, wacky addicts. While the plot of this film has all the earmarks of formulaic bullshit, it manages to transcend its synopsis in both writing and acting to form a funny, touching film. It is quickly becoming apparent that Bullock has reached the level of noteriaty in her career where she can read the scripts heading her way and choose to do a film. Surprisingly, she seems to be making fairly good film choices, which is something no one could have convinced me of at the time Speed 2: Cruise Control was released. Of course, this new found enlightenment isn't going to get me to run out and rent Forces Of Nature any time soon, but I will admit Bullock has escaped her plasti-faced butt lady typecasting she was originally the victim of.
Anyhoo, back to 28 Days. This film is accessible and enjoyable for both genders, or to put it more plainly, this is not one of those overbearing, underwritten love story chick flicks which are the bane of the Y chromosome. Show your sensitivity without putting yourself through hell guys, and the next time you're at the video store suggest picking up 28 Days.

This one was really pushing my tolerance limits as it was set in the mid-80's business world. Superficial people, superficial lives, actions taken for no other reason than that it's expected. So what if one of these whiny bastards is losing his mind, or just a hateful, angry fuck? I had to force myself to keep watching. I'm glad I did. As the pettiness of this world became more absurd, most glaringly and humorously shown in the business card scene, I finally started caring about the film. What actually got the movie on my good side though was the "Hip to be Square" killing. I dare you not to be interested, if not laughing, during it. After this point, the writing truly begins to take shape, engaging the viewer rather than merely presenting its story to you. Despite one unresolved subplot that kind of bothered me, I was incredibly happy with the ending. Give this one a shot.

This is perhaps the best film that Steve Buscemi has directed to date, but with a great cast and solid story, I suppose it had to be. Edward Furlong stars as a young man busted dealing pot, who is sent to prison with a harsh sentence as a election year example to crime. Even though he is a new arrival to prison, Furlong is taking under the wing of many of the older cons such as his homosexual cellmate, who always seems to be putting on make-up, his co-workers in the prison shops, and eventually a gang of cons led by Willem Dafoe. Dafoe eventually takes on the role of mentor and surrogate father to Furlong. Unlike most prison stories, every character is treated with respect and dignity, even the guards. There is one exception which Tom Arnold plays, a crazy convict who has no respect for written or unwritten rules of incarceration. This film is now available for rental, and it's probably the best prison flick I've seen since Shawshank Redemption. I highly recommend this one.

One of my all time favorite films. This romantic comedy stars Jack Lemmon as a young businessman working his way up the corporate ladder by lending his apartment to his superiors for extramarital trysts. Shirley MacLaine, who was actually cute back in the day before she became the spooky crystal lady, plays the elevator operator that Jack is infatuated with. The only problem is she is involved with one of the aforementioned apartment borrowing superiors. While humorous, this film also is extremely dramatic, and is one of director Billy Wilder's greatest triumphs. The film is rounded out with great talents like Fred MacMurray and Ray Walston, who eerily resembles Kevin Spacey in this film. You can't go wrong if you go out and give this one a rent.

Yet another Cold War B-movie strain is recycled here, though not to a horrid effect. If you go in with the main premise of this film, I hope you're a patient person as it takes an hour to establish that. This is perhaps the first time I've seen Johnny Depp play the villian, which he does in such a subtle manner, as to leave you guessing yourself as to where he stands. Charlize Theron, as the concerned wife, and Clea DuVall as her sister both do a wonderful job, causing your head to be played with more. Also, there is a strong erotic overtone early on in the film, where the filmmakers manage to maintain sensuality without nudity. Perhaps the toughest part of this film is trying to figure out just how the hell they plan to end it. If you were ever interested in seeing it, it worth a watch.

Taking place, over the course of one day, in a Chicago barbershop owned by Ice Cube, thsi film weaves several different stories into one interesting and funny tale. Plotwise, it's rather thin. An ATM is stolen from a local grocery store, and one fo Cube's barbers is accused. Meanwhile, Cube sells his shop to a loan shark, only to realize what its meaning to himself and the neighborhood. This "everyday" at the shop is intercut with scenes of the actual bumbling ATM robbers, and Cube's desperate attempts to reclaim his business.
Castwise, Cedric the Entertainer is a stand-out playing the old man in the shop, old enough to remember what all these young'uns have just read about, and too old to give a shit if his memories jibe with what they think. You may remember a crusade to have certain scenes pulled from this film, a crusade which seems much more personal after you hear the line, "Fuck Jesse Jackson!" While I'm sure I'd have been pissed if something like that was said about me in a nationally released film too, you realize that whole argument wasn't about the sullying of memories, at all.
And Eve, while initially bothering me, playing the angry black woman stereotype, surprised me, fleshing out her character, even becoming vulnerable and sympathetic by the end. I don't want to leave you with the impression that everyone else in the film sucked, as that is not the case, but these two performances were above and beyond my expectations.
As much a comedy as this film is, it carries some pretty positive underlying messages. The one thing that threw me though was that the one guy who was going to college was played as kind of a dunce, the guy who's always trying to be smarter than everyone else but is always wrong. And while I have no problem with the character type, the underlying message of dumbasses being the guys who go to college, not so positive. Still, the film is highly entertaining. As I've said before, if you're in the mood for a good comedy, do see this film. And it seems to me, as long as Cube doesn't subject us to horrible sequels, possibly titled Next Barbershop and Barbershop After Next, we might yet get a film out of him as enjoyable as this one within five years.

We start with a trailer-like opening telling us "Man is an endangered species" that immediately becomes an IMAX film about the Rocky Mountains and eventually shows us humans, or man-animals as they call them, including our hero. This maverick of a primitive, much like Robert Vaughn in Teenage Caveman, leaves the safety of the clan to seek his own destiny, only to find that the Midvale Mini Putt managed to survive the apocalypse. Fast forward. Our hero is captured with some buddies in the ruins of a mall by the, get this, Psychlos. (Lord, give me strength.) You only really get to know John Travolta and Forest "Ghost Dog" Whitaker, but are given a few useless scenes with other Psychlos; enough to get the hint that they are a race of lying, thieving business-types out ruthlessly scheming toward their own ends. Unfortunately for them, all Psychlos seem to be so stupid that they are constantly shocked when one of their own screws them over. Back to our man-animals, who are being kept in -duh-duh-duh- The Zoo. (Now that's not right!) After what seems like an eternity, the film gives a cute stab at a plot as our hero is taken under Travolta's wing and taught the Psychlo language and flying techniques, so that he may lead a group of man-animals to secretly mine gold for Travolta unbeknownst to the Psychlo Home Office. Cut to mining where our hero goes to Ft. Knox to steal gold to pacify Travolta, robs some armories for conventional and nuclear weapons, and finds a flight simulator that will teach his men how to fly in the seven days they have been given. Fast forward to the slave revolt that you knew was coming the second you saw the "endangered species" tagline at the beginning. It's a whole lot of hurt too as the cave men fly Harriers, use M-16s and pistols on the ground, and effectively rip off both The Matrix and ID4. You really have to see it to believe it. It has taken a spot in the top ten shit flicks ever as well.

Note: This film lost $48.53 million domestically.

It's the classic tale of boy meets girl. Girl turns out to be the devil, and gives him seven wishes to turn his life around. All it will cost him is his soul. Doesn't quite sound like a comedy does it? Oddly enough, it's a pretty good one at that. Brendan Fraiser gives his usual gusto to physical comedy here, though there are a few moments when the act just becomes annoying and it's hard to tell if he's to blame or the pain is in the writing. Luckily, these moments are few and far between leaving you with enjoyable viewing. Hurley, unless you hate her, does a great job here as the Princess of Darkness, seeming damn likeable (and not in the lustful way, though there is that) throughout the story. I think what surprised me the most and what will take other viewers completely by surprise is what has to be a faithfulness to the ending of the original version of this film. In the land of the quick, simple resolution, where it takes basic amoeba 20 seconds to figure out what's going to happen in film, this movie takes its time in giving the viewer an ending that is thought out and worthwhile. No matter what you think of the rest of it, the ending will remind you of a time, long ago, when movies were good.

This is definitely not your standard celluloid fare, and I must caution lovers of Hollywood dreck to stay away. This bizarre story of a puppeteer who gets a job "for all your filing needs" in the strangest office building ever, where he inadvertantly finds a portal into John Malkovich's mind is funny, interesting and will twist your perceptions of just what the hell is going on at every turn. Being John Malkovich is a trip worth taking, and perhaps the most original film I've ever seen. The puppeteering in the film is beautiful and something I would have thought impossible. Both John Cusack and Cameron Diaz are excellent in this film, and have been suffiently dirtied to hide their Hollywood prettiness which was a bit of a shock. Anyhoo, if you haven't, give it a look. Just when I thought all the stories had been told...

Done in a similar mockumentary format to Waiting For Guffman, this film of dog show glory is perhaps the funniest film I've seen all year. Everyone involved did a great job, but I do believe this film cemented in my mind that Eugene Levy is the funniest man alive. Honestly, I can't do it justice in a review, so do yourself the favor and just go rent it.
I'm serious...Go, Now!

Ya know, some people saw the trailer for this and thought that someone was just trying to make another Big Lebowski. Well, I can debunk that without discussing plot or acting or characterization, because The Big Lebowski was, at least, fucking COHERENT! I don't know what the fuck these filmmakers were doing. It was as if they thought if they made things so ambiguous, people would feel that they just didn't get it, and that shame would keep us from calling this film out as the shit it is. Not me. Actor John Favreau plays actor, John Person, and with a solid character name like that, you know you're in for quite a ride. Out of work and dodging his landlord, his weird ass neighbor asks him to deliver a blue suitcase to Buttfuck, Nowhere into the hands a cowboy who is possibly a serial killer. Throw in some incomprehensible, unexplained subplots about death and alien abduction, and you're headed deep into student film territory. And what the fuck was up with the blue eyes at the end? Work with me, movie!
And then, I'm just supposed to buy that Daryl Hannah, Joey Lauren Adams, and Rachael Leigh Cook all just want to jump Favreau's bones? I guess compared to the rest of the male cast members in the film, he's a prime catch, but still,..what the fuck? This film did two things well, introduce weird characters that may or may not have something to do with the plot, and give Kelsey Grammer a role where he isn't playing Frasier. That was really nice to see. However, the copious amounts of stilted dialogue complete with pregnant pauses that otherwise fill the film, does not make that little gem worth the cost of a rental. Do not waste your time. And if someone with you is really pushing to rent it, shoot them, shoot them and land one, just don't let this film happen to you.

Thank god they saved the Dave Barry credit until the end of the film, or it would have tainted my viewing of a very humorous film. Now that I've possibly ruined it for you, let's discuss what annoyed me about the film. Due to its bloated cast, quick characterization is achieved through series of cut shots and Fletch-esque voiceovers, which early on, are done in rapid succession leaving me to wonder just when the film would actually start. Tom Sizemore and Johnny Knoxville's characters, while important, bugged the hell out of me. But with my searing hatred of stupid people, that just makes sense. A few of the music selections seemed heavy handed. The overall plot makes a lot of easy choices, like the ending, which was a huge sore point for me.
So, if I had so many problems with this film, why should you watch it? Well, it's funny. The dialogue and preformances are excellent, which really are the center of the whole film. Each and every performer really steps up to give their best in this talent showcase, from Jason Lee to Tim Allen to Janeane Garofalo to Patrick "Tick" Warburton to Omar Epps, everyone. Also, this is definitely a fun film to enjoy whenever you need a break from serious cinema or shitty sitcom humor comedies.

A young man in a British mining town finds a love of dance, not the boxing his father has him signed up for. While shittily promoted as from the people who brought you Notting Hill and Four Weddings And A Funeral, this film has very little else in common with these more mainstream films. This one is more in the vein of the British drama/comedy only with a lot of amazing freakin' dance scenes. This kid is amazing. More great spots of this film come from the supporting cast. The guy who plays his father gives the role just enough hard ass edge crossed with love of his family. The grandmother one of the funniest, coolest parts of the film, and Billy's best friend, who likes to play dress up in his mum's stuff is hilarious. While I was not particularly excited to see this one, probably because of the crap early promotional material, I was incredibly happy that I did end up giving this one a try.

What's that? It looked like a bad Fast And the Furious rip-off? Well, maybe it did in the trailers, but at least it wasn't Torque, right? I will say that Derek Luke, the film's star, is one to watch, if he can start picking better scripts than this one. Again, Laurence Fishburne should start taking that advice too, since I think we all know he can do better. I have two big complaints about this film. First, when you're making a film about guys who race bikes, it helps if you make that racing seem exciting, and hell, maybe even wow me with some cinematography if it isn't. There were some nice tricks done, but they were few and far between, leaving me with a big yawn most of the time. Second, is a useless plot twist thrown in about halfway through the film, which was not necessary, and really added a whole lot of nothing to my emotional investment in the film. It did give some of the actors a chance to show off their acting ability, but that was about it. What else sucked? Oh yes, Kid Rock in a smaller role that was still way too large of a role for him in any film. Orlando Jones as a trash talking higher up in one of the biker clubs, who out of nowhere, later appears as a lawyer in his day job. Brendan Fehr (Roswell) enters the film with one of the more interesting introductions and recent histories of any of the characters, and is promptly resigned to the background of Luke's story, even though he is one of the founding members of Luke's biker club. And finally, what the fuck is this, the A Different World reunion movie as both Lisa Bonet and Kadeem Hardison in smaller roles?
Seriously, when I have to pick it apart, it sounds really, really bad. It's not. I have to say that. This film isn't that bad. I've seem much worse films in my day. And I was downright happy to see that the filmmakers forewent the Lethal Weapon formula of The Fast And The Furious films, and chose to use the racing scene as a backdrop for a very personal story of a young man maturing and attempting to become his own man after the death of his father. Unfortunately, this film is a few tweeks short of being tolerable for any audience, I think. So, yeah, I can't even begin to recommend this one. It wasn't so awful as to be worth renting to laugh at it, and it wasn't as good as
I felt it could have been. I'm sorry filmmakers, you get no points for mediocrity.

Okay, I'll admit it, I liked the first Blade film. And yes, Stephen Dorff is, at least, part of the reason why, but it was also so genre-driven and cheesy that I could get passed my usual critical eye and let myself be entertained. I had planned to take the same approach while viewing Blade II. Unfortunately, (well, let's get this over with) their pacing was for shit. This is most apparent in the statement, "There was too much fighting early. There's fighting now, I don't care." Seriously, when it came to fighting, they had no sense of proportion, and by the end of the film, I was counting how many more fights there had to be before plot resolution could occur and groaning. Also, while giving some allowances for the first time use of technologies, a lot of the special effects used in the fight scenes were very, very rubbery. Overall, had the filmmakers focused more on the horror aspects of the film and halved the emphasis on the kung fu aspects, Blade II could have been a very successful film. On a side note, Ron Perlman does not a bad ass make.

The story of a boy (Brendan Fraser) who has lived in a bomb shelter since the 60's sent to the surface in the mid-90's for supplies and to find a wife. Enter cutie (Alicia Silverstone) and her gay pal (David Foley) and oddly enough, you have a good funny film. More time is devoted to life in the bomb shelter than I had expected, but Christopher Walken and Sissy Spacek do great jobs as Fraser's parents trying to outlive the 35 year half-life of surface radiation. I hate to admit I liked this movie, because when I saw the previews, I thought it would be a piece of shit. It is not virtuoso filmmaking, but it's a good mindless time. Rent it and enjoy. God knows it will be in.

Hey, it's not my fault if this was the new movie that Starz was showing on its free weekend. Well, I suppose I should try and review this film. It really isn't my type of film, so I'm not really sure how to pick it apart. Ben Affleck and Gwyneth Paltrow both did an excellent job as the leads. Even the child actors didn't piss me off, if that can be believed. The storyline was pretty good, and not filled with formulaic heart-wrenching, no "you go girl!" themeing, nor actions that make no sense whatsoever. All in all, it was enjoyable. If you didn't care before, I wouldn't recommend going out of your way to see it. However, it is worth taking the time to watch if you're flipping channels and run into it. It would also make a good couple flick that won't insult anyone's intelligence. In a land of Hollywood bullshit romance films (most of them starring Julia Roberts,) this one ranks in the "actually worth it" top 5% of it's genre.

Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) is a man without a past. Found floating off the coast of France, he must get back to the continent and put together what few clues he has in order to find out who he was, what he did, and how to keep himself alive. I like Damon as an actor but I had to wonder if he could pull off an action hero. He not only pulled off his action sequences gracefully, but brought enough acting to flesh out his character well. Franka Potente (Run Lola Run) also does a great job as the young woman who provides aid to Bourne, even more so since I hear she doesn't understand a lot of English, and like 99% of her dialogue is just that. The one bit of casting that threw me was Julia Stiles as an operative who basically sits on her ass in one room for the entire film. I'm hoping she just really wanted to be involved in this film, willing to take whatever bit part they could give her, and that it wasn't them shelling out her type of salary for that tiny of a role on their own. Also, I'm hoping she was made up like a frikkin' clown for the sake of making her look older, 'cause that's the only logical reason I can come up with. Overall, it was a nicely paced action flick with more brains and heart than one usually expects in such a film. And, while the ending, seemed to preclude any hope of a sequel, I discovered the novel this film is based on already has a couple of follow-ups, so maybe we'll get lucky yet.

After much thought, I have decided that this is THE most important film I've ever seen. This true story of transgender, Brandon Teena, played by Hilary Swank who won an Oscar for this role, as he enters the final days of his life in the little town of Falls City, Nebraska. It is easy to see why Brandon was quickly accepted by a small group in Falls City, and as this tale of love, taking risks, and ignorance continues you will be taken on the greatest emotional roller coaster leading to a very dark ending. This is definitely one film that should be seen by all. I really don't see this being one you would watch multiple times, unless you are a fan of cinema as it is excellently shot and uses elements in such a way as to make it a true film rather than just a movie, like the difference between a novel and a book. I will restate, I'm a dark brooding type guy and the ending to this one was a bit too dark for me, and I knew what was coming. Yeah, that probably will spook you out, but this film is more important than you keeping comfortable and deciding to rent Big Daddy again.

This documentary about the actual events that inspired Boys Don't Cry is a great chance for anyone interested to learn more of Brandon's story, see the people involved and see how little was fictionalized for the motion picture. Most of this seems to have been done to remove tangential elements that would have taken long explanations. It is also amazing just how much dialogue was taken from real life. By exploring the real people involved, it begins to view as a big tale in a small white trash burg. However, one has to take the time out to realize that this does not make this story trivial. Ignorants and bigots are not restricted to small towns or even white trash folk. I would not say that this one is a must, but if your interest was piqued by Boys, this one will give you the rest of the story in a more than satisfactory package.

I sat through three hours of this shit?! Beyond horrific violence and unusual torture devices, what was so grand about this film? Let me rephrase that: Why did anyone enjoy this film, much less give it an Academy Award? Far more mythological than I was expecting, or even wanting, Braveheart lacked the two things that I hoped it would have: any measure of suspense, and a rudimentary interest factor.
I'll start with the wife. At the marriage, I gave her no more than thirty minutes to live. She was dead in less than ten! Beyond motivation, it seems she was there to arouse the audience, but the sex scene/nudity was neither exciting, nor necessary. I do honestly believe it was just a lame manuver to extend the distance between the marriage and her swiftly approaching death. Oh, and while we're on the subject of being predictable, who didn't know who the guy in the helmet during the big battle was? Dead people know what's going on! Oh, and please, could you show me again how the king is manipulative and evil while at the same time showing me what an ineffectual fop his son is? I'm not sure that was made clear in the first few thousand scenes of them! (This works with either king here.)
As a Scot, I am horribly disappointed that our epic is, in my opinion, the worst epic ever. While Spartacus may have had the pacing of a Roger Corman film, Braveheart is The 13th Floor of epics. If anyone would like to try and defend this crap, I welcome you to write in.

Going into this one, I only knew it had Audrey Hepburn (one of the last beautiful stars) in it, and that it was supposed to be a classic. Color me surprised to find out that for anyone who felt that Chasing Amy was depressing, here was truly a film to slash your wrists by. This is the story of a budding friendship and harsh love between a New York societal wild girl and a "boy-toy" novelist, played by George Peppard. Though humorous and romantic at times, this film is most noteworthy for the way it shows just how cruel, even caustic, two people can be to one another. I think that's what impressed me most. Even though the two end up together, I'm not sure if I'd call it a happy ending. In spite of the emotion this film evokes, the writing and acting are superb. This story was truly one worth telling.
Oh, and if Moon River doesn't get stuck in your head after you watch this, I'll bet the mid-90's hit titled after this film will be there for at least a day.

Starring Claire Danes and some girl whose biggest role was in Last Days OF Disco, this story of two young women who go to Thailand for vacation, but end up in prison over drug smuggling charges is surprisingly good. When I saw the preview for this one, it seemed like a contrived story, but I watched it on a recommendation that it had a bit more to it. For the most part, it did manage to avoid cliches. One exception was Bill Pullman in one of his better roles as a "hooker with a heart of gold" attorney, however without him, the story would hit a dead stop pretty quickly. The other is an evil Thai bitch prisoner who for no reason tries to make life difficult for the girls. She's never given any motivation and nothing really comes of her existance other than calculated pathos from the audience. Outside of that, this movie will keep you guessing. Everytime, I expected the super happy AKA dumb ending, it was inevitably slapped down in front of me. This one will take you on a satisfying trip that is definitely worth the time and will not disappoint.

Although I'd normally agree that nothing good ever came out of France, I've seen this film and can no longer stand by that. I don't say this to scare you, this film is not subtitled, but dubbed seemingly by the French, so for once I trust the translation. This story of a low-end noble and his Native American friend who are sent to a small village to investigate a series of murders by a strange beast that has many crying the name of werewolf. Though the simple answers may end up being true, the full answer to this query is much more complex. This film is a long one, but didn't seem that way while I was watching it. Also, several false endings are there to trip you up, so don't be fooled. This is a very guy film, with fantastic martial arts, and every French, when our hero is rebuffed by his intended he immediately goes to the whorehouse. Still, it is one of the best films I've seen this past year.
I do have one word of warning if you're renting the DVD. The deleted scenes are preceded by longwinded descriptions by the director and the subtitles are hard as hell to read with white type on his white shirt. This was the only drawback in my viewing experience.

There's nothing funnier than terminal illness, right? Well, quit being so damn serious. Bubble Boy takes what could be a tragic tale, and heaps on enough slapstick and blissful ignorance to get past the downers and almost make this tale endearing. Despite his decidedly bizarre trip and his unbelieveable luck, you can't help but cheer the Bubble Boy on.
Overall, if you thought the trailers were funny, this film won't disappoint you. And while I have one tiny complaint about the ending, which I won't get into here, even that was minor enough to not detract from my enjoyment of this film.

John Waters, the most interesting director of our time, takes on the world of film, Hollywood and Independent, in his own trademark style here as he threatened to do at the end of Pecker. He does not disappoint as Cecil (Stephen Dorff) and his renegade filmmakers take a Hollywood star (Melanie Griffith) hostage in order to create their masterpiece. No sex. No second takes. No comprimise. Honestly, there is no reason for you not to see this film.
What, you don't like Waters? Then you obviously are dead inside somewhere.

Two childhood friends are brought back together after the death of one's mother. As, not only the current situations, but their own shared past divides them further, the childlike Buck follows Chuck to L.A. and must attempt to reconcile his past and find a place for himself in the world now that his one purpose in life is gone. I definitely recommend this one for everyone, but must stipulate that you watch the entire film. I almost gave up on it thinking it was heading in an incredibly dark direction, but I was rewarded for sticking it out. This was not only one of the best stories, but one of the best constructed stories I've ever seen in film. It's out on video already, so keep your eye out for it when you're out for a rental.

After viewing this film again, I have a newfound respect for its framing and blocking. I find its writing superior to most scripts of its day and today. However, this tale of a dead media mogul's rise and fall from power is still incredibly boring. It must be incredible to dissect this film and discuss it in terms of semiotics, but it challenges you not to go and make a sandwich if you're giving it a straight watching. Yes, I did rent it only so I could check a trivia answer.

The story of Orson Welles' fight to make and release Citizen Kane is a hundred times more interesting to watch than Kane itself. In fact, just because this film went into a lot of explanation of Kane' history hasn't improved my opinion of the original film one bit. This is the story of the neophyte asshole (Welles) picking a fight with the reigning king asshole (publishing magnate, William Randolph Hearst.) Liev Schreiber does a great job playing Welles from prick to somewhat actual human. Grand performances are also given by John Malkovich as Welles' screenwriter and best friend, and Roy Scheider as the studio exec who took a chance on Welles. This is an interesting drama and mini-bio of Citizen Kane, viewed by many as the best film ever.

Tom Cruise not playing Tom Cruise is really for the best, I have to say. Here, he is a terse, I loathe the term but philosophical, hit man who commandeers Jamie Foxx's cab for an evening as he makes his rounds to kill 5 people in L.A. Foxx plays the everyman, humorous cabbie who, despite what the box may tell you, dreams of opening his own limo service. I've seen a couple places where they say he's a comedy writer, and um, no, that's never revealed as true. And honestly, early on, I was pretty worried, as we spend a lot of time setting up Foxx's daily routine and the film has way too many aerial shots over L.A. which I was certain would become very annoying if it kept up. We start settling into the story of Cruise and Foxx with the subplot of LAPD Detective Fanning (Mark Ruffalo) who finds the evidence of Cruise's first hit of the night, and there is where it gets good, you're dealing with the multiple levels of suspense of Foxx vs. Cruise, Foxx & Cruise vs. the authorities and Cruise & Foxx vs. Cruise's employers. And then they had Foxx react to Cruise in a way I wasn't expecting and was pretty exciting and interesting. Unfortunately, that was the second plot point setting up a third act that was broadcast really blatantly way back in Act One, which I was hoping on hope was not a route they were going to go down. And the ending totally sucks, actually, from the second plot point on, sucks. I'm warning you now. Now, I do think Foxx did a great job in this film and while I've never been a big fan of his sketch or stand-up comedy, he seems to have some real acting ability, barring any future bad script decisions like Are We There Yet? or Barbershop 8. Cruise, who normally bugs the shit out of me, was fairly free of his Cruise-isms, and was interesting to watch. Overall, I don't know what to say as far as recommending this one though. The first two-thirds are good, and the director obviously knows what's he's doing, everything is well-shot and framed. But that ending man, it's damn near a deal breaker for me. But, then again, I'm a picky son of a bitch, so maybe you wouldn't mind as much. I've given you all I can, do with it what you will.

Although I'd normally agree that nothing good ever came out of France, I've seen this film and can no longer stand by that. I don't say this to scare you, this film is not subtitled, but dubbed seemingly by the French, so for once I trust the translation. This story of a low-end noble and his Native American friend who are sent to a small village to investigate a series of murders by a strange beast that has many crying the name of werewolf. Though the simple answers may end up being true, the full answer to this query is much more complex. This film is a long one, but didn't seem that way while I was watching it. Also, several false endings are there to trip you up, so don't be fooled. This is a very guy film, with fantastic martial arts, and every French, when our hero is rebuffed by his intended he immediately goes to the whorehouse. Still, it is one of the best films I've seen this past year.
I do have one word of warning if you're renting the DVD. The deleted scenes are preceded by longwinded descriptions by the director and the subtitles are hard as hell to read with white type on his white shirt. This was the only drawback in my viewing experience.

Jim Caviezel, Guy Pearce and Richard Harris, what could possibly be wrong with this film? Absolutely nothing, which makes for a short review. I guess I can give you an overview. An honest, honorable but unlearned man named Edmond (Caviezel) makes the promise of delivering a letter for the exiled Napoleon. Unfortunately, his friend, the Count Mondego (Pearce) who is just a complete ass, learns of his promise and betrays him, many times. Edmond ends up in an island prisonwhere he meets an old con (Harris) who provides him, not just his only company during his years of imprisonment, but also becomes his mentor, teaching him all the world had not. Meanwhile Mondego marries Edmond's girl. All Edmond has left for him is a fire in his belly to escape and and take his revenge on those who have wronged him.
What's great about this film is that nothing is ever as simple as it seems or sounds. It's not so entrenched in its time period as to be confusing. And even though the fight scenes don't dominate the film, they are spectacular. I have heard some book readers bitch about things, but I didn't approach it having read the book and I just can't say a bad thing about this film.

Beer? Juggies? Where are Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corolla? You mean this isn't The Man Show: The Movie? Well shit, I was all excited, but it's just another Bruckheimer piece of shit.

Anyway, to get eveyone up to speed on this so there is no confusion, this masturbatory fantasy on celloid, packaged (heh heh, he said package) in the very slight veneer of a chick flick is perhaps the most pathetic premise I've ever seen floated toward the mass market. It does seem, however, that Jerry Bruckheimer is breaking form with this film, as I saw not one explosion in any trailer or preview as of yet, but beyond that, it's all pretty standard catering to his male audience. The cute stab at a chick flick plot seems all but as original as the film earlier this year about dance school, Center Stage, only in this one she goes to a bar. Talk about your female empowerment stories. All of this supposed plot seems to be a lame attempt to convince girlfriends to accompany their man to this flaming sack of dog poopie. What guy wants that, especially the not old enough to buy real porn crowd this film is courting? I mean, once she realizes that there is no plot whatsoever, the remaining car ride home will be spent dealing with which model in the film you thought was prettier than her, and you more likely than not, stupidly trying to defend this (shudder) film. This whole deal personally scares me horribly with each passing aspect, okay, it would scare me more if I was one of the people who had to clean the theater afterwards. Bruckheimer managed a PG-13 rating assuring him of getting his audience (guys heavy into puberty) in there. I actually checked this out, but the guy I keep seeing in trailers for this flick that looks like the guy who played Lust in Herman's Head, is NOT the same actor. While I'm on the trailer, it was the least inspiring trailer to get me to see a film since the likes of Big Momma's House or Battlefield Earth. There's a certain stench that comes with a bad film, and this has it in an overpowering manner, kind of like a dead wino. Finally, the scariest thing of all, I predict this film will make money hand over fist, and that's why this is one film I will not go see. Notice to anyone I may have offended: If you're stupid enough to go see this film, whether it be alone, with your pals, or even on a dare, you deserve any and all stereotypes that may now or ever be placed upon your head.

This period piece by Tim Robbins was criticized when it came out mostly for its historical inaccuracies by the press. And while I think I noticed a few major ones, the film does start off noting itself as a "mostly true" tale. So rather than get bogged down by these things, I ignored them. This film about a battle between government, big business and the arts in the rapidly changing economic and political atmosphere of the 1930's is complex while maintaining itself as a universal story. The story, unfortunately, is universal enough to draw parallels with films ranging from Gulity By Suspicion to Off Beat. It is only through the strength of the cast assembled, supplemented by characterization and the interplay of the characters that this film rises above mere hackery finding itself to be actually worth a look. Too numerous to name them all, the actors here will surprise and delight the audience. The three standout performances are by Hank Azaria as a playwright/composer, Bill Murray as an aging vaudevillian, and Susan Saradon as a liason of Mussolini. The actual staging of the play, Cradle Will Rock, is worth the wait and will make any theater geek overjoyed. All in all, I'm not sure if this film had a real point or can ever be viewed as a great piece of cinema, but it did entertain me for over two hours, which is all I asked it to do.

Okay, straight off, this is a foreign film with subtitles, just so you are aware. The good thing is the subtitles are to the point and do not take up so much of your attention that you're missing the action on screen. This is the story of two couples whose paths are destined to affect each other forever. The older couple played by Chow Yun Fat and Michelle Yeoh are old warriors finally putting away their wild youth. However, a governor's daughter (Zhang Ziyi,) her master, and her bandit lover put brakes on Fat and Yeoh's retirement plans. In a surprise turn, the male leads don't get a lot of screen time. Yeoh and Ziyi dominate the film emotionally and physically. The best fight scenes of the film involve these women. It would be all too easy to pigeonhole this film into the niche of martial arts film, chick flick, a combo of archetypes set down old paths, and while it is indeed all these things, it transcends any preconceived notions you might have. This story of honor, duty, love, and friendship has to be experienced. No one can do it justice by reviewing it. The vocabulary of the critic is too limited, more than likely, by shit American film, or rather, shit Americans call film.

Thanks Kyle for getting me to see this.

Mindless action flicks come and go but quality mindless comic book action flicks are a little tougher to find. Daredevil while imitating the tone of the first Batman is a lot closer to Blade as far as pacing goes. Ben Affleck plays Matt Murdock, a blind lawyer, who fights crime at night as Daredevil. While juggling cases with his partner, Foggy Nelson (Jon Favreau) he meets a beautiful and dangerous woman, Elektra (Jennifer Garner), and in the end, must confront the Kingpin (Michael Clarke Duncan) who has brought misery to all their lives. Affleck does a surprisingly good job as Daredevil, a very guarded character, almost unemotional with sparks breaking through occasionally. Garner's Elektra is excellent, though changed from the comics a bit, and almost didn't annoy me until during her heated fight with Daredevil when she elicited a line with all the emotion and conviction of a Sweet Valley High actress (not that I would know anything about that.) Favreau's Nelson, not to mention Colin Farrell's portrayal of the hitman, Bullseye, brought humor and relief from the action and dark tone of this film, and their scenes were excellently paced within the film. Clarke Duncan's Kingpin was good but perfunctory as the film's bad guy. He was not developed all that much within the film. The most interesting part of him was his assistant that many of you may recognize as the Lust sin from Se7en (that poor man will never escape that role.) Joe Pantaliano (The Matrix) takes a smaller role as reporter Ben Urich, who is a bit of a more savvy Alexander Knox from Batman. He's also a hell of a lot more likable.
Comic geeks will be treated to a string of references and cameos (Stan Lee, Frank Miller as a corpse, and Kevin Smith.) While things were changed up, I think only the most militant geek-a-nerd will be outrageously pissed off. I don't think one comic film has been absolutely true to it's source material, but this one is pretty damn close, close enough to be really enjoyable. As for you non-geeks out there, if you really like action flicks, this film will not disappoint, and while the CGI gets a bit rubbery in the cathedral fight, it's nowhere near as bad as Blade II. Finally, this is not a film for the young kids, as it does not hold back on cussing (again, nowhere near as bad a Blade II) and has situations that are a bit too dark for those under 10, to deal with and perhaps to comprehend.

Sometimes you see Kurt Russell in a film and it just works. Dark Blue is one of those films. It's the story of a bad cop, well, badly influenced cop who's working on corrupting his younger partner as well, set on the backdrop of the Rodney King beating trial. Things go from bad to worse as Russell and his partner are assigned to a multiple homicide case, investigating killers who are working for Russell's immediate superior, all in the midst of an internal power struggle at the LAPD between said superior and the Deputy Chief, Vhing Rhames. It's pretty complex, and I feel if I went into it further, I'd end up outlining the film plot point by plot point. Though they are different films, I can't help drawing parallels between this film and Training Day. In the end, I think Dark Blue is a better film. It was darker, more layered, and that makes me kind of mad. So the actors in Dark Blue aren't A-list,..Good! I think it's a richer film for it. And while it's not even a third tier choice of films I would like to own, I'm certainly glad I took the time to rent it. My one complaint would be that it reminded me that the song "Ain't too proud to beg" ever existed and got the damn thing stuck in my head for over a week.

An old woman in old New England played the tooth fairy to the children in the town of Darkness Falls. After she was severely burned and wrongly hung, she cursed the town. It's an odd curse. She, now a spirit, would come and take the children's teeth but if they looked at her, she'd slice and dice the little shits. So begins our second prologue with Kyle, who looks, and manages to get his stupid mother killed as she investigates his room without even trying to turn on a light switch anywhere. Skip ahead 12 years where Caitlin, Kyle's childhood friend and love, calls Kyle to see if he could help her young brother, who has also looked and managed to survive the tooth fairy. Kyle returns to his highly dangerous home town, and all logic seems to break down instantly. I'll just give you a few examples. We've got the drunk at the bar who decides to go out of his way to start shit with the guy he believes to be a psychotic that killed his own mother as a small child. "Yeah, good idea, Bob! We'll be right behind you...over here. You go though!" Then, there's the never explained town-wide blackout. Is it the storm, a crappy hydro-electric plant, the tooth fairy? And if it is her, why hasn't she used this supernatural power years ago to take out Kyle's dumb ass? There's the lighthouse with no keeper or automatic back-up generator. I guess we don't care if the boats crash,do we? The emergency lights in the hospital with batteries that are only good for an hour or so. People too stupid to turn on the dome light of the vehicle they're fleeing the light-intolerant killer in. Oh, the list goes on. Sadly, the writing is where this one falls apart. The directing and editing suggest the people behind the camera have a working knowledge of how to build suspense and how to frame a shot. The dialogue itself wasn't too horrible, and the actors' were not grating (with the exception of the little boy I wanted to stab in the eyes a few times whenever he had speaking lines, but that may be a personal problem.) This ended up being the type of movie best watched in a group so you can all make fun of the plot holes. I just wish a decent writer had taken a pass on the screenplay, for I feel I might have truly enjoyed it then.

Tim Roth plays a pathelogical liar, brought in by detectives Chris Penn and Michael Rooker on the case of a murdered woman. Even if Roth is telling the truth, can anyone believe him? Roth and Penn give you the performances you've come to expect from them. Also, Rosanna Arquette and Renee Zellweger (the murdered girl) take this film to an even higher level of cinematic gold. It's a crime story you have to see to believe. I highly recommend this film to any fan of a good multi-layered thriller. There is more tension in the conversations of this film than the entirity of Reservoir Dogs. No shit.

This film is worse than Lake Placid, but it's still more enjoyable to watch. Weird. More comic than suspenseful, just check out Sam Jackson's death scene, Deep Blue Sea failed in almost any conceivable way to impress its audience. Sadly, the animatronics were twenty times better than the CGI, and I gave all of two shits as to who was going to get their ass bit off next. The best thing about this film was that it did stick to the basic B-movie formula from which it spawned. Scientists create genetic horror, in this case giant intelligent sharks, in an ignorant attempt to aid mankind. Scientists refuse to accept any responsibility for what they've unleashed on the world and only at the end, join in to destroy their creation. As it does stick to this crap outline that's been overused since the 1950's, it follows in the footsteps of its predecessors, never becoming much more than a joke of a film, but a rather good watch for bad film lovers.

The first I heard of this one was on MST3K as a good movie you don't see that often. Sure enough, this was the first time I've managed to find this 1970 classic showing. Frank Sinatra is Dingus Magee, a bumbling Old West outlaw being hunted down by a bumbling sheriff played by George Kennedy. The two are caught in a test of half wits, as they try to outthink each other as well as the town whose mayor is the madame of the local cathouse. Enter subplot of the local division of the US Army, the main customers of the cathouse, whose leader wishes to leave town in an attempt to reach a very important battle at Little Big Horn that may make him famous, if only he can make it there before General Custer. Obviously, this does not sit well with the mayor, so she gives the sheriff the responsibility of stopping them. All of this adds up to a fairly complex story of humor, mix-ups and blatant sexual reference sans nudity or the act depicted. In the end, Dingus Magee was a fun and definitely entertaining film, which, sadly, cannot be said about many films of today.

Okay, so I made the mistake of watching this film thinking it was Screwed, forever wondering just when the hell Norm MacDonald was going to end up in an animal cage. This is, in fact, Norm's first film Dirty Work, the story of a loser and his best friend who must build up enough money to bribe a doctor to get Pops a heart transplant. To do this, they set up a revenge for hire business, because, well...that's all they really know how to do. The less attention paid to the cookie cutter plot you've seen a million times before, and the more attention paid to the, at times infantile, gags, the better. Also, you have to find Norm MacDonald funny to enjoy this film in the least. If you do, then you should. Chevy Chase also does a great job as the doctor with the gambling problem who is extorting cash from the boys. And if all that doesn't hook you, Bob Saget directed this...but then again, maybe that's not a good thing.

Honestly, if you look at the box or case of this film, you're probably going to get a little bit worried, right? It's one of the infamous two Corey films, and god, they are dressed about as badly as they ever did. To be honest, I was a little worried that I was an idiot back in the day when I originally saw this one and took on the opinion that it was worthwhile myself. But beyond the wardrobe and a stretch where Corey Feldman does Michael Jackson, there is a lot of good in this film. Jason Robards and Piper Laurie do an excellent turn as an old couple who are displaced from their bodies and stuck in the bodies of young Bobby (Feldman) and Lainie (Meredith Salenger.) The big problem is that only Robards/Bobby is aware of what has taken place and has just three days to convince his wife, now Lainie, that they are in love or lose her forever. That this is also the love story of Bobby and Lainie moves the game to a whole different level itself. And while it's basically a love story, it's also a story of generational differences and understanding. It's so damn sweet you may get cavities. Of course, there are things that are pretty horrendously bad about it, like the fact that it was released in 1988 which was a big stretch of non-identity between the New Wave and Grunge.
It more than shows in the costuming and supplimental actors such as Crazy Josh, Lainie's current boyfriend, and the Heavy Metal guys who aren't even remotely Metal. The audience is lucky, however, that Corey Haim, while a supporting character, is just that, and doesn't have too many meaningful appearances in the film. If you haven't seen this one, it's worth a look, even if only to laugh at the ridiculous aspects of it. There is a nugget of gold waiting for you beneath that horrible surface, I promise.

First and foremost, while viewing this film, you MUST either ignore or make fun of the blatant parallels between this one and the classic Star Wars and Indiana Jones films. I might also add the word numerous to blatant. Second, you must do the same with the costuming, however, keep an eye out for the 1980's fabric collar the young mage sports about halfway through the film. The only good surprise is the dragons, that often seem reminiscent of Clash Of The Titans claymation, look a lot better on the big screen, though still not great. If I really think about it, this movie hurts quite badly if you let it, from what they do to Snails to the most ambiguous ending I've ever seen,..okay, outside of a David Lynch film. Despite all this, the time and money I spent watching it were not wasted. It was much better than I expected from the television spots I saw. It was also bad enough that I was laughing my ass off at it. I really can't say if I enjoyed this more than Battlefield Earth, because I approached them with different attitudes, but I feel it'd be the perfect double bill that you will never see.

"You're unbelievable! Ohhh!" Oh wait, that was EMF. Sorry.
What I need to discuss is the Will Ferrell movie, Elf. Okay, Will plays Buddy, an orphan who hitches a ride in Santa's sack one Christmas Eve and is raised by an elf who always wanted a child, played by Bob Newhart. Upon learning his true origins, Buddy packs up to meet his real father who's "on the naughty list," played by James Caan. Hilarity ensues, and we all learn a little something about Christmas spirit. Well, that's the broad outline of this sweet and funny film. When I really started thinking about this film, I realized this film works not only because of Ferrell's willingness and ability to do physical humor, but because I never once questioned his full throttle optimism and naivety. Overall, yes,
I knew what the ending was going to be very early on, but it didn't matter (which is something you'll very rarely hear me say.) The point of this film was the journey, the storytelling, not the story itself. I honestly didn't expect it to be as much of a six to sixty type of story, and can't really say why it got a PG rating. Maybe there's some language I didn't notice, or maybe it's because of the fistfight in Gimbel's...I forgot about that, but I don't think it's an inappropriate film for anyone. Now, whether you're going to like it or not, I guess that's up to you. But I will say that I would have been just fine with the ticket price if the whole film had just been the still shot of Ferrell playing basketball with the other elves. I think this could be a new Christmas Vacation. A film that's nice to put on during family gatherings and not lose it's charm over multiple viewings. Though I'm not as insane as to suggest you see this over the holiday weekend, I do recommend checking it out on the big screen before it's gone.

There have been a few greater insults to film as an artform this past year, but this one still makes the top ten. Gabriel Byrne plays the devil on an evenly pathetic keel with Sharon Stone as The Muse. Hell, the gremlins of Gremlins 2 were more frightening than this man. Bad performances continue, not surprisingly, with Arnold who is hilarious every time he tries out his badass impersonation, and manages to sound off an audible thud each time he delivers a comedic line. The only redeeming performance of the whole cast is that of Kevin Pollack who is actually funny and likeable. Beyond the basic premise that Satan needs to do the nasty with a certain girl by midnight of New Year's 1999, the story is either incomprehensible or just plain dumb. Okay, so the basic premise is a little of both too. From the use of Y2K fears that now view as just silly to the fact that Arnold at one point deceives the Prince of Lies to the mother/daughter/Satan threesome, there is very little dumb shit you can't expect from this film. I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea.

My god, let me tell ya, if I were gay, I'd be stalking Stephen Dorff right now, and then where would all you be? Forgiving him for getting involved with that whole Blade movie, he is one of the great young actors of our time. Here, he stars in a bizarre dual role as Narrator Jake and Jake, a movie director, in what I can only assume to be the semi-autobiographical story of writer/director Phil Joanou. This film chronicles his love affair with Stella (Judith Godreche,) a model who is as oddly normal as him. I guess what really made this film for me is just how easily Dorff, Godreche, and Joanou made it for me to relate to people in heightened status roles such as a movie director and runway model. This well shot and excellently written tale will leave any indy film fan begging for more, and honestly, even manage to keep non-indy people's interest. Bonuses in the film are U2 in more than a cameo capacity, Kelly MacDonald (Trainspotting) in an excellent smaller role, and the cat scene (believe me, when you finally get to it, you'll know it. It rocks.) I think this one tops the list of independent films I've seen this year, barely edging out Waking Ned Devine, but that's just because of my personality. If I were more of a happy-go-lucky person, Ned would win, so yeah, this one does have its dark side. Deal with it, pink boy!

I was warned, WARNED away from this one, from everyone from Reel.com to Nathan Rabin to close friends, and in the end, it wasn't half as bad as I was imagining it would be. It was alright. I know, not a ringing endorsement. The worst thing about the film was this lame ass, worse than Randy Newman, plot-specific soundtrack that made me want to hunt down and kill the director, because obviously he wanted that crap as part of his film. Not that a studio head couldn't have been involved, but from it's first appearance, you could tell someone really thought that it would pop the humor of the film. This is the exact sort of shit focus groups should be saving the rest of us from. I know focus groups are normally pretty fucking useless, but come on guys, throw the movie-going public a bone here!..yeah, it was that bad. Anyway, on to the rest of the film, if you've seen the trailers, you know it's about buddies, Ben Stiller and Jack Black, who part after Black invents a dog shit disappearing spray and becomes rich, leaving Stiller in his wake. Stiller then wigs out, due to his "envy." (We have a title!) This wigging is furthered by chance meeting with bizarre dude, Christopher Walken, in one of his biggest, and best parts of the past few years. Walken really carries the funny parts, as he is kind of a weird guy but not a scary motherfucker in this film, which is a nice change of pace for him. Otherwise, there's a lot of slapstick on Stiller's part, and Jack Black being Jack Black, which is nice, which is fine, but he is also relegated to the background for a lot of the film.
So, yeah, you're left with a film that feels a bit mediocre. And if you're coming in for a Stiller or a Black flick, I think you're expecting something better than mediocre. I know I was, and even though I am willing to forgive many of the flaws, and, just out of the blue, plot contrivances, that doesn't make them okay, I think, for the general population. And let's not forget that music. There is no forgiving that. NONE! In case someone out in Hollywood missed that the first time, I just want to make clear how unacceptable that was. I just feel very strongly about it...sorry.

Cruise. Kidman. The more sane of you are asking why I cared? Well, it was Kubrick's last film, and it did promise lots of nudity and sex. However, even with my lowered expectations, it still fell short, very short. It's a story of a married couple on a journey of sexual discovery where I learned even sex can be boring. Both Kidman and Cruise are as unmoving as ever, not aided at all by the fact that this film moved as quickly as Spartacus, only without the meaningful and interesting points between pauses. Oh, and if you came for the nudity and sex, I'm sorry to inform you that nudity becomes so common as to lose any erotic overtones, and the sex was either cut or got a nice big, shadowed figure superimposed over it in the attmept to lower the rating to an R. If you're a Kidman fan, you will be happy to know that when she's not prancing around naked, she sleeping in a sheer camisole. Whatever. Oh, and as for the weird ass, conspiracy plot thing, it's truly pathetic, when 8MM is outdoing you in that respect.
As far as filmmaking goes, it was also incredibly disappointing as you sit through more than two and a half hours of the three note symphony that soundtracks most of the film, and is the only thing more annoying than the ungodly, repetitive use of dolly shots tracking actors down hallways. This film was so bad, it wasn't even good. I almost shut the thing off after about two hours, but I figured it couldn't be too much longer and I wanted to see if it had a payoff that I'd otherwise miss. There was no payoff. None.