A to E, F to M, N to Z
Full listing of films in the Archive at bottom of this page

Yes, Harry Potter and the Goblet Of Fire, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love The Bomb. While Chris Columbus may have been too much the fan, and included as much as he could in the first two Harry Potter films, and Alfonso Cuarón, while leaving much out, gave the third film an incredible sense of mood or theme, it seems the fourth film's director, Mike Newell's talent was for making one of an enormous disjointed piece of shit. Now, that may seem harsh, and on certain levels, it is. The filmmaking isn't below the par expected for this film. The acting is superb as always. BUT, when it comes to having something of a flow to the plot and story, it stops and starts like someone learning to drive stick, and the first twenty minutes truly views as if someone took scenes shot for several different films and just slapped them together. And while Harry's personal growth, and the evolution of the relationships between Harry, Ron and Hermoine are explored within the film, they are also so undercut by the big action of the film or played out so quickly as to be flippant to the viewer. All in all, it was a spectacular special effects ride, but as far as being a good film, much less being a good HP movie, yeah, sorry, you won't find that here.

Okay, so either I'm just not smart enough to understand this movie, or the filmmakers made a plot so convuluted by the end of the film, even they, themselves, could not comprehend it. This tale of engineers working out of their garages in search of the product that will make it big and bring them wealth, and give them an out from their day jobs, starts out simple enough. Wait, no, it doesn't. It makes the viewer sit and sort of figure that all out by itself. And honestly, I forget what they are trying to create in the first place, perhaps a self-sustaining power source, a better battery, I think. In the end, they realize they have created a time machine. Again, this takes a long time for them to clue the audience in on, and does take some deductive reasoning on the viewers part. In the end, the inevitable paranoia sets in between the partners, and the outside world, and then it all starts to go south, with some weird ass subplot about the one partner's girlfriend and them using the machine for their own benefit. However, much like me explaining 12 Monkeys to many of the people I know, I will never truly understand just what the hell was going on without someone else sitting me down and running me through it step by step. In the end, this film is the pocket budget, sci-fi, indie flick it was hailed to be. However, I left it feeling much like I did leaving Snatch scratching my head and not really giving much of a shit one way or the other whether I ever figured it all out.

So, you were busy on Friday nights, and never caught Firefly the few times it actually aired, between World Series action. Well, someone decided to make a movie from the short-lived show, and this is it. If you have seen the show, there seems to be a lot of exposition in the first 15 minutes or so to bore you, and if you haven't seen the show, it just may get a little confusing to you anyway, and the use of flashbacks in an attempt to condense this information isn't really helpful in that respect. So, I'll try and break it down for you. There's this ship, named Serenity, home of a rag-tag bunch of outlaws who do jobs on the outer rim planets. Apparently new residents on the ship, brother and sister, Simon and River Tam, are a point of contention within the crew due to River's unpredictable nature (a crazy psychic assassin girl) and her attractiveness to The Law (she is being hunted by the Galatic Alliance.) Meanwhile, the crew also has to watch their backs against Reaver attacks, a brood of bloodthirsty people who kill, rape and eat whoever they happen upon. Actually, I think that about covers it.

Now, the upsides to this film...Joss Whedon, writer and director, lives up to his rep, delivering quick-witted dialogue, a mixture of funny and touching moments, and a film worth seeing. The film outguns the show. It's not just about some job, some getting from point A to point B, this film is bigger than I imagined it could be. The bad guy is literally, a bad guy, though if you've seen the show, I think Early from the last episode was a bit more scary, as this guy is physically dangerous and Early was more psychologically frightening. This was the best sci-fi film I've seen all year. If you like science fiction, you won't be disappointed. On the downside, one of my favorite characters from the show finds himself really marginalized, Shepard Book (Ron Glass of Barney Miller fame) who was always interesting as a preacher among theives, isn't even on the ship, and while his story makes sense, I missed his perspective for most of the film. Also, the crowd (when I saw this on opening night) was a bit annoying. They belly-laughed at any and every joke or witty comment, and honestly, I would recommend seeing the film this weekend, as hopefully, the nerds have that all worked out of their system by now. Seeing a movie with an unrecorded laugh track did suck some of the joy from my experience, even as a fan. I heard someone say that this film will remind you of why the first Star Wars trilogy was so good. And at first, I agreed, then I realized while some may want to make the comparison, there is no comparison. Serenity was just good for itself, for the audience. It will remind you that someone out there is capable of making good sci-fi, and that things like DOOM or Ghosts Of Mars aren't all that moviemakers can manage nowadays.

In a cookie-cutter perfect suburban community, which is obviously seething with hypocrisy and dirty secrets, Sam Rockwell is a poor man who mows lawns for a living. He doesn't live there, of course, and when a young girl from that neighborhood forms a friendship with him, he both freed from his loneliness and finds himself stuck in an awkward position. In the end, this is a beautiful story of friendship, that did not end the way I had envisioned at all. I'm always happy when a film throws me a curve ball like that. Sam Rockwell, as in every film I've seen him is, is excellent, and the little girl, while not a superb actress, delivers a unabashed innocence that is fun and playful. I would honestly say this is one of the best films I've ever seen. My biggest problem is the title of the film, which seems like someone just slapped it on there.

When two local sheriffs are put on the case to find the new leader of an underground resistance movement, The House Of Flying Daggers, on a strict deadline, they arrest a blind young woman who may be the daughter of the old leader. The sheriffs set up a plan to set her free and lead her to safety in an attempt to bring the new leader out of hiding. On this journey, things become more and more complex as the sheriffs come under more pressure from a general, secrets are revealed and a love triangle develops. This film is great as it is just beautifully shot with a rich use of color, and there are plenty of fight scenes that are well choreographed and the wire work is not horribly blatant or unbelievable. It is an exciting thriller co-mingled with a beautiful love story as well. As long as you're not too lame to read subtitles, I highly recommend this film for everyone. If you're too lame to read subtitles, why don't you stop reading these reviews, and go rent The Waterboy, it's probably more your speed.

This documentary of the Al Jareeza arab news network, shot during the lead up and throughout the U.S. invasion of Iraq, is rather eye opening. You get a feel for what the American public didn't see, and what the network is about. You also get an interesting perspective of the American invasion from people who understand and live in that part of the world. Where does news stop and propaganda begin? And how are U.S. news networks just as guilty of the same thing? Did our military strike at arab news headquarters in Iraq the day before they marched into Baghdad as a warning? And while the U.S.'s one-sided propaganda is taken to task, the military's public relations officers are shown to be, for the most part, people with a job to do, but not allowing themselves to be blinded completely by that job. In the end, this film will give you a fresh look at the war in Iraq. I want to end this review with a quote from Hassan Ibrahim, an Al Jareeza, former BBC, reporter who is followed for most of the film, that I found particularly interesting, "Someday we will have to find a solution that does not involve bombing people into submission...Democratize or I shoot you. It just doesn't, doesn't work this way."

If I honestly thought I could get away with it on IE, I'd summarize this film in one word, "BORRRRRIIINNNNGGG!" This film is 90 minutes transformed into an eternity of watching some loser, piss and moan about not being taken seriously, as he does more and more to screw himself over, between takes of him blathering on to reel-to-reel tapes that he sends to Leonard Bernstein of all people, because he likes his music. You spend the whole film waiting for a climax, that is, what? 5 or 10 minutes long and as unfulfilling as the rest of the film. Who cares? This guy was a schmuck, and he never did take control of his life. His greatest act was just as much a jumble of nervous fuck ups as anything else he ever did. I would have just shut the film off an hour into it, but I thought, well, the interesting part should be happening anytime now. There was no interesting part! It just hurt me, all around.

A young woman goes for her dream against her strict Indian parents wishes, by joining a girls' soccer team in England, as her older sister prepares for her upcoming wedding. This film, while entertaining and filled with lots good-hearted lessons, also has the same issues of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, as it views a little sitcom-ish, and deals with the reverse racism of strict ethnic cultures. Also, many of the misunderstandings that arise to cause conflict in the film are a bit unbelievable, but I was willing to overlook it, as they were all very Shakespearian comedy in nature. Still, overall, it was a good film about following your dream, and succeeding when other tell you that you can't. Of course, co-star, Keira Knightley is the one doing film after film, while star, Parminder Nagra, has apparently been doing a role on ER for the past couple years. Feel free to make your own conclusions about that.

Let's establish something right now. This is not a good film. In fact, you've seen it a million different times, from Stripes to Gross Anatomy to Van Wilder, only these guys are in driving school. However, it a film that delighted me as a child, is somewhat well written, and I don't believe it myself, was released on DVD last week. With a cast led by Sally Kellerman, as a corrupt judge, Bill Murray's little brother (the one from Scrooged, not the one from One Crazy Summer) doing his best Bill imitation, and Jennifer Tilly, this isn't an A-list film. It was never meant to be, and it is refreshingly itself. There is a guest cameo by Clara Peller (the "Where's the beef?" lady) and if that doesn't excite you, this obviously is not the film for you. However, just thinking about this film makes me smile. I don't laugh until I can't breathe anymore at one point in it, but it is still a good, low-budget time for this film snob.

Okay, I did miss some of this one while making lunch and whatnot, but I was keeping my ears open. Jim Carrey does let a little of himself slip out from time to time, but it all fits into the character of the over-acting Count Olaf, master of disguise, who has his sights set on collecting the inheritance of three orphans who go through a series of foster parents during the film. The orphans must use their wits to succeed and survive the devious machinations of the Count while constantly being endangered by the rest of the incompetent adult population of their world.
Overall, the film definitely is given a look, that I would say owes at least a little bit to Tim Burton, but it definitely takes you into this world that is its own. None of the actors is grating, but with a supporting cast including Catherine O'Hara, Billy Connolly, and get this, Meryl fuckin' Streep, I guess it shouldn't be surprising. It was fun and filled with excitement. It does start off with the orphaning of the children which could be a tough moment if you watch it with kids, but otherwise, it's a good film for kids that doesn't insult the adults watching it, as so many do. If you thought the trailer looked interesting, whether you have a child or not, go give it a look because you won't be disappointed.

This movie views very much the way it is, a director and actors very willing to take the studio's dime and go out and have a good time. Unfortunately, that doesn't make this a good film. On the contrary, the script seems to have been cobbled together from several old heist films in a rush so that a sequel that would make big money made it into theaters as soon as possible. Also, unlike the first film, it is much less an ensemble film with some actors obviously fitting in what they could do around other schedules, most notably, Bernie Mac. From the half-assed love story to French rival to the forced conclusion, it never really delivers what I was expecting from this cast or director, because yes, it was more about spending that per diem rather than making an actual film. Is it just some horrible piece of shit though? No. It's just the exact type of Hollywood dreck that I try to avoid. I mean, it's passable, and I'm fucking positive that there is a huge market for this film that wouldn't mind it at all. I just don't happen to be one of those people. Of course, I also know a lot of guys will see any film featuring Catherine Zeta-Jones despite her lack of talent. Of course, I've already done my duty watching her in a crap heist flick, more commonly known as Entrapment, which was a few hundred times worse than this film.

I called this one when I first saw the trailer...piece of shit. There was a 2% chance that it was like Se7en, which had a similarly hackneyed trailer, and it would be great. However, it was also so heavy-handed, I really wasn't even willing to give it that 2% chance personally. So, not surprisingly, when my friends who seemed to think it was going to be the best horror flick since Jaws came back from paying theater prices for it, I was told it was, as predicted, a piece of shit. Of course, they described the level of badness, and I knew someday I would have to rent it.
Sure as shit, yes, I knew who the killer was from step one, and when they introduced who would end up being the killer, it was pretty obvious, despite the filmmakers' half-assed attempts to throw you off the scent. The film is forced into way too many flashbacks, and in the end, doesn't view well at all. And the rest of the film, suffers badly from everyone involved being dumb as hell. It's rare that this happens, but while watching this film, I became my mother, shouting at the screen about what they should be doing, and calling them idiots for doing whatever dumb ass shit they decided for a course of action. Honestly, this film wasn't so much a horror film, but a reinforcement of Darwin's theory of natural selection in the end.
On a purely filmic level, there's not that much to bitch about. The acting was passable, though I do feel bad for Danny Glover. Apparently, those Lethal Weapon royalty checks aren't paying the bills like they used to. The direction, for what complete crap the story was, was okay. The cinematography isn't that bad, however, they lost my respect when they often went into this super-cut fast edit of a Tool or NIN video. Apparently, someone out there thinks that's still edgy. Of course, whoever thought that was edgy, probably thought this was the new standard of horror the trailer made it out to be. Oh, and the bad news, apparently enough people wasted hard-earned money at the theaters for the studios to put a sequel in the works.

Yep, in a Milwaukee that could only exist in Hollywood, the dead are walking the streets! Actually, the dead have taken over the whole damn town. So it's up to a ragtag bunch of survivors including a nurse, a cop, a guy who works at Best Buy, a thug, his pregnant slovic gal and brilliant product placement geniuses to try and beat the odds at "the mall" (cause we here in Milwaukee only have that one, right?) All I can say is poor Vhing Rhames. Anyway, the zombies are surprisingly spry in this flick and do seem to be an actual menace and that's about where it stops being good. Besides the fact that our protagonists have locked themselves in a place with many, many glass doors, the need of the zombies to feed doesn't ever seem to be an actual need. As the zombies are not feasting on the flesh of the living, they never really seem to slow down or on a more sensical level go off in search of living flesh that they can actually get to, during the month our heroes are hanging out in the mall. There are a bunch of half-assed relationships developed, and really nothing is ever poignant, despite obvious hopes by the filmmakers that any of it would be. And while they had the balls to have a zombie baby, they did not have it hatch out of the mother like Alien, and they also were too big of pussies to have it killed on camera. All I'm saying is, you're already making a zombie movie with a zombie baby in it, you're already at the party, just give us that final bit of wrong. It just may garner some respect from the viewer, no matter how badly the thing is written. And while I'm willing to overlook a lot of the shit they pulled while calling their location Milwaukee, I cannot overlook the mountainous "islands" they seem to think are in Lake Michigan. Those weren't even Wisconsin islands, they were fucking Hawaii. Funny shit. And just while Bender and I were bitching about what we thought was the last scene, interspliced in the credits were these bad video tape scenes thought up by someone who was obviously way too into "Blair Witch." Sadly, the only positive thing I can say about this film is that I was lucky enough not to watch it by myself. I had someone who was in just as much pain as I was, insulting it and bitching the whole damn time with me. And unfortunately, that still wasn't quite enough to make it a good time. So listen when I say, put the movie down. *click, click* Put, the movie, down.

Let me sum up to begin with. While this film is possibly the best prequel yet, it is still a prequel. What was more disappointing to me was that the opening sequence was possibly the best opening sequence of all six films, but it quickly goes downhill and we're left with a lot of going from point A to point B, cause we all know where we have to end up with this film. This leaves the viewer with few surprises, and therefore little excitement. Count Dooku is dealt with very early on. The coughing and creaky General Grievious, while a bit smarter than the average villain, isn't all that threatening or scary. And the Emporer is so blatant in his manipulations of Anakin, that it only shows how incredibly stupid Anakin is. With very little Jar Jar or 3PO screentime, every other robot in the Star Wars universe starts vying for the wacky comic relief slot, which becomes grating rather quickly. The promise of a Wookie warfront is short-lived and lame. Hell, it wasn't even a subplot. Lightsaber battles are interesting, but not incredible. I still enjoyed the 3-way duel with Darth Maul back in Episode I the best. And yes, the Jedi DO go out like bitches. One of my biggest complaints is that Lucas decides in this film to negate any interesting mystery of the original trilogy by spelling out each and every last secret that wowed audiences 20 years ago. Oh, and I am not letting Lucas off the hook for one of the most hack bits of writing I've ever seen in a film. "NOOOOOOOOO!" Oh yes, he does go there, and he should fucking know better. The fact that I haven't heard anyone else take him to task for that one is just a testament of how much the general public, and critical public, is willing to let slide on this last film. There's a lot of crap shoehorned in, in an attempt to try and make sense of Lucas' own bad writing too, including a 2 second explanation of Anakin's miracle birth. Meanwhile, the mystery of the long dead Jedi Master Siphadeous who ordered the Clone Army created is left not only unresolved but not even mentioned in this installment. And to the dismay of many a Star Wars fan, Jar Jar is one of the few characters not to view their own intestines, and honestly, he could have at least sacrificed himself heroically for someone in the end. A lot of people will tell you what's great about this film. That is why I've focused on what sucked. While interesting, the boredom did set in, and my watch was checked a few times. As for a recommendation, you either have seen it, plan to see it, or don't give a shit already. All the recommendations in the world aren't gonna change that, and I think we all know it.

Bill Murray and Owen Wilson in a Wes Anderson film should be gold, one would think. So, why is it that the premise of Murray and his possible son (Wilson) along with the concept of them hunting down the Jaguar Shark for revenge is established almost immediately? And while there are humorous moments, it still takes the first hour of the film before it ever gets going? In fact, I can tell you the exact moment, I stopped wondering what the hell was wrong with this film, and finally got into it. That would be the pirate attack. The characters finally start doing things, rather than just establishing themselves, and things actually start happening. So, yeah, the second half of the film actually is pretty worthwhile, and yes, by the end, I was weeping quite a bit. Unfortunately, this really splits up the film badly, and makes it hard to discuss. It was really like 2 different films for me. One that kinda sucked, and one that I really thought was well done. If nothing else, the film does have an exceptional cast going for it, including Angelica Houston, Cate Blanchett and Willem Dafoe, who are all really quite good in it. Although seeing Willem constantly running around in short-pants does become a bit disturbing by the end of the film.

You might as well put this on a double bill with Breakfast At Tiffany's for horrible relationships and people who are horrible to one another. Okay, so we start with Jude Law and Natalie Portman meeting when she is hit by a cab in London. Jump forward to Jude Law meeting Julia Roberts while still dating Portman, but wanting to get with Roberts. Roberts, while interested, deflects his advances, sending Law to dupe Clive Owen over the internet to meet Roberts. Owen and Roberts fall for each other, and one by one, these relationships fall apart, and everyone involved starts fucking over everyone else in an attempt to get what they want, which by the end, you really begin to wonder if any of them have any fucking clue as to what they really want, or rather if their wants are even worth the time and effort they put in to get them. It's well acted, and while the recurring time jumps do make it a bit hard to follow at times, it's still a nice, dark little tale of the human heart. Quick cap review: Glad I saw it, don't need to own it though.

Thank goodness for Netflix, or I'd never spend money to review a piece of shit like this. Sadly, it wasn't that bad. Alternatively, it wasn't good either. The film starts with a long voiceover about a motherless girl who will bring balance to The Force...I mean, the war of good and evil. It is one of the few times the movie actually throws you off course, which I'll get to later. Cut to credits and some guy (who is he? what has he done? you never really find out) yammering on about how he being hunted by a deadly assassin and how all the other guards he's paid for have died at her hands. His current squad is taken out, uninterestingly and conveniently offscreen. You see his head of security get his ass taken out and then his assassination during which he never leaves his chair. Job completed, Elektra takes up as a foreign domestic, cleaning floors where you meet her wacky handler, who looks like a cross between the guy from Empire Records and Freakylinks, and Dennis Miller. Banter, banter, banter, she is sent to an island to wait for her next assignment. There she meets a young girl and her rakishly handsome dad, interspliced with dreams about her childhood. Surprise, she's there to kill them, but having bonded over Christmas dinner, she refuses the contract and saves their lives from Hand assassins. Oh, the Hand, I guess I forgot, you see some half-assed scenes in there introducing The Hand, ninja assassins run by Shang Tsung from Mortal Kombat and/or Eddie Sakamora from Rising Sun, and his son, Kirigi, who has his little band of Frank Miller characters who wants to hunt for the girl directly. See, the girl is the one who will bring balance, not Elektra. Elektra runs with the family to meet up with her old master, Stick played well by Terrence Stamp, and the whole chess board is put into motion. Which side will get the girl? And will Elektra be able to protect her, and give her a chance to stop running? I could keep up with the detailed synopsis, or get to an actual review sometime this decade...let's go to the later, shall we?

Jennifer Garner, with the exception of a couple scenes where she has to convey emotion, does a passible job. and every fanboy and guy heavy into puberty is screaming that not only does she not don the actual Elektra outfit, she's only in her red costume in a couple of scenes in the entire film. I guess my real problem with Elektra is that she only seemed to have one opponent who ever really seemed to be a danger to her, and the lesser opponents were often dealt with so swiftly, that this action film was surprisingly on the low end of action taking place. The closest you come to seeing her take out 30 Hand ninjas, is one scene where about 5 break through a window and she takes them out with the old natural gas on fire method. Even the big villains, usually don't take more than 5 minutes to defeat which does not make her look so much like a badass, but rather make her enemies look like putzes. Beyond that, as for the film, it was written for the stupidest people on Earth, and hey, maybe that was their demographic here, but I don't need a fucking flashback or whatever to explain every little thing to me, in detail no less. And near the end, I got a little sick of flashbacks of her as a girl that added nothing to the film, or were simply being used to hammer me over the head with plot points. The saddest thing, is that I can't say, I want those 90 minutes back. It was okay, poorly written and lame, but okay. However, I will tell everyone reading this, don't bother. It's not a waste of time, but you could spend your time doing/watching something much better, I'm sure.

"Whoever wins. We lose." Now, I don't think anyone can say they weren't warned. But if you're a crazy bastard like me, you went ahead and rented it anyway, not because you thought it would be good, but because you had to. Of course, when you title your film, Alien Vs. Predator, some of your audience may expect more than the 3 fights you provide, and when you almost always use fast-motion close-ups during the action sequences, I get the impression the fights didn't look that impressive to begin with. But I'm getting caught up in the nuances already. Let's begin again with the basic bad premise. First, a team of scientists is assembled by a corporate head to investigate a "heat bloom" in Antarctica, which reveal a deeply buried pyramid, and if Antarctica weren't a remote enough location, it's in a No Man's Land section of Antarctica. Oooooooh. The pyramid, of course, was built by a race of Terence Trent D'Arbys, I mean, the Predators just so they could hunt the Aliens, once every hundred years. This takes way too long to establish, and also takes way too long until your seeing Predators and Aliens, much less some Versus action taking place. No real characterization is given for any of the humans. They are either scientists or badass military types, both of which who prove to be wholly inadequate against either of the threats descending upon them. And while the Aliens seem, out of the gates, to be much better at this whole killing thing, you know the end of the film can't be Aliens overrunning the planet Earth, so the tide turns rather crappily, with one of the scientists, Lex, teaming up with the remaining Predator to shut this popcorn stand down.
In the end, I had a few key issues with the film. Well, I know for a fact, that I never needed to see a Queen Alien lay her eggs. And while we're on the subject of Aliens, if all they have on the cool-o-meter is the jaw-snapping thing, that is so over being cool. There was a lot of jaw-snapping early, by the time the Queen Alien was doing it, I was all but numb to it. I also really began to wonder if we needed the humans at all, as 98% of them were just breeding grounds for the Aliens, and the half-assed drama that we've seen a million times in these films already. You know, there's an Alien in my buddy, whose tie to me was tenuously established at best maybe five minutes ago, and I have to kill him, NOOOOO! And the ending itself was filled with enough "Huh?"s to populate several films. First Lex and the Predator escape the vaporization blast on a sled that runs on a pulley that moves faster than anything mankind has ever invented. Then, when Lex gets Alien acid blood on her parka, topside, in Antarctica, she just ditches it trusting her v-neck sweater to protect her from the elements. And when the Predators, who seem to have greatly advanced their take off and landing technology since Predator 2, thus not flash frying Lex when they leave, show up to collect their dead, do they give her a jacket, or even a lift to the boat that may take her home, or some place warm. NO! They give her a fucking spear. Great, she'll be a corpse on the ice, with an exterrestrial spear. How nice for her. There's no helicopter, even if she could fly the damn thing. The whaling station all collapsed into the ice after the bomb went off, and all she has is a v-neck sweater and a metal spear, which won't conduct the cold, or anything. She may have been wearing snow pants, but that's about it. And as for the surprise ending, or sequel possibility scene, I believe the MST3K gang said it best, "written and conceived by a tube worm." And don't think the appearances of Lance Henriksen or Spud from Trainspotting will diminish the pain in any way, alright? We all clear? Good.

Yeah, I think I've ended up in the same boat with a lot of other people for this one as I say, it was okay. After killer roles in Elf, Old School and his cameo in Starsky & Hutch, Will Ferrell puts on his best 70's style and makes with the funny, which is great, but I have to say, there really wasn't a movie in this premise. Maybe there was a series of skits on an SNL-type show, or maybe a TV special, direct to video sort of thing, but to make it stretch to an hour and a half, it gets a little boring. The movie runs a little different than I thought it would, with Christina Applegate, who holds her own in the film, falling almost immediately for Ferrell's charms, and the bantering afterward is really good, but the plot points that drive the film in new directions and thus extend it to a film-type length, are really badly shoe-horned in to place. Steve Carell did a very notable job, as the mentally retarded weatherman. I'm not sure if he just got really good lines or what, but I really enjoyed him, especially versus the rest of the news team beyond Ferrell and Applegate. Overall, it was funny, diverting. Had I paid more than matinee price, I probably would not be as forgiving in my assessment. If you're looking for some laughs and the selection at the store is really disappointing, I say go for this one. Just don't expect it to be side-splitting funny for an hour and a half. I don't think a lot of films can pull that off anyway.

I don't know what it is, but the Japanese are really starting to get on my nerves. Apparently, gray Japanese boys making gurgling sounds is the scariest shit since Jaws over there, but I've see both Texas Chainsaw Massacres, thank you, and they were both clearly superior to this piece of shit! Even taking the premise that the house was a site of such tragedy that anyone who enters it is marked for death, it doesn't make sense that the mark of death, and curse, will follow you across town, to your office building or apartment, does it? Oh, and apparently, the spirits can make your phone ring, and assume the form of a loved one to try and lure you out of said apartment. And I really didn't discern a purpose for that, unless the spirits needed the door open, which would indicate one hell of an draw back for the spirits...they can't go through doors? WTF??? It was all very atmospheric, but the story takes forever and day to get going between random scenes inserted and a major flashback 20 minutes in, and it's a good hour before they even try to explain how all the shit you've seen fits together. And as for the cast, you don't get me to go see a Sarah Michelle Gellar film, and then put her in the blukiest clothes she's ever worn in her life the whole time. Jason Behr, has a whopping 5 minutes of screen time. Clea Duvall, has about 10. And Bill Pullman is also similarly underused by the film. And I don't care if it was her real name anyway, who the hell named the character of the Japanese caretaker, Yoko, in an American film? Seriously.

It's campy, ham-fisted B-movie noir like you're not likely to see again. Well, that is, unless this film does really well, and they decide to do a sequel or something. They do still have plenty of source material they can bring to the screen for that. Dialogue peeled, and storyboarded almost directly from the books, Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller bring to the screen four tales of Miller's comic books of the same title. Josh Harnett is a tortured hitman in the shortest of the stories. Bruce Willis is a detective going to save a little girl from a Senator's pedophile son on his last day on the job. Mickey Rourke is a two-fisted engine of destruction out to find who killed the woman he couldn't protect. And finally, Clive Owen and Rosario Dawson are dedicated to preserving the truce in Old Town when a violent, drunken cop goes too far and pays the price.
This is the type of film where bad acting and overacting rewards you, and luckily for the audience, no one really takes their roles too seriously. It's just a fun, crazy, action-packed two hours. Combine that with the severely stylized black and white with touches of color filming, the digital backgrounds, that are for the most part, seemless with the live-action, this is one unique moviegoing experience. If the reaction at the theater I was at is any indication, the possibility of sequel is actually really high. I'd say, odds are, a lot of you out there may really enjoy this one, if only for the bizarre dialogue of a heavily-prostheticed Mickey Rourke, which had the audience laughing their asses off. If you were even somewhat interested, I would definitely recommend that you go and see this one. It is everything it promised to be, plus some.

Okay, two things are true about this film. First, it's another Pixar animated film. Second, it was written and directed by Brad Bird, the man responsible for The Iron Giant, and The Family Dog animated short. Both of these things should make you realize that this is an excellent film. No plot summaries or trailer should have been needed to convince you of that. So why haven't you seen it yet? Come on folks, it's been available for rental or purchase for a few weeks now.
Okay, so you need more convincing. Alright, after a flurry of lawsuits hits the super-hero community, the Supers, as they are known, go to live normal lives amongst the regular folks, swearing never to use their powers again. Unfortunately, despite a loving wife, formerly Elasti-Girl, and two children who are developing powers of their own, Mr. Incrdible cannot keep himself from sneaking out with his old friend, Frozone, and fighting injustice and rescuing those in need. However, a threat looms on the horizon that may be greater than Mr. Incredible's family or friends can handle together. So, are you excited yet? Are you in your car yet? Okay, okay, I'll toss you one last tidbit. You should, SHOULD rent this one (at the very least) for the appearance by Brad Bird as Edna 'E' Mode, an eccentric and very funny super-hero fashion designer alone. From one of her first lines, "My god, you got fat." this was, by far, my favorite character to have on the screen.
Come on folks, I really shouldn't have had to work this hard on this one. Hell, I shouldn't have had to review it at all, because you should have already seen it. But if you haven't, get on the stick people.

Okay, this a weird one. A black and white tale set during the Great Depression in Winnipeg. It's shot to show age, with occasional detours into color flashbacks which are also highly stylized. It's definitely a film, you know one of those that can be studied. The first time you're not going to get it all. Yeah, that's kind of what I mean by weird. It was what I was told to expect and yet just the way it was presented threw me. So, story! Beer baroness, Isabella Rossellini (Blue Velvet) holds a contest for $25,000 for whichever nation has "The Saddest Music In The World." She does this in an effort to promote her beer label, so when Prohibition is repealed in the States, she can make a killing there. This contest backfires though as it attracts her former lover, Mark McKinney (The Kids In The Hall,) his dysfunctional extended family, and nymphomaniac lover, Maria de Medeiros (Pulp Fiction) whose tragic past is even hidden from herself. So again, yeah, it's not your standard fare and is riddled with dark humor which amused me but didn't have me rolling in the aisles, and I don't think the latter was intended anyway. I enjoyed it, it was a good watch, and the presentation alone made it one of the most interesting films I've seen recently. But it is definitely one of those movies that's not for everyone. I'm not sure who I'd recommend this film to, well except...Kyle, yeah, I think you have the aptitude to really appreciate what this one has to offer. The rest of ya, you'll have to decide for yourselves if this sounds like your cup of tea.

Hi, my name is Stu and thank your lucky stars you don't have my friends. Yep, someone picked this bad boy up for me...for my birthday, no less. Now, you know I've discussed this video in theory before, and you know I couldn't resist opening and watching this one, which is why they bought it for me, they know me a little too well. The Wiggles, the Austrailian human-version of the Teletubbies, team up with Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, for some songs and fun at the Austrailia Zoo. Perhaps that should be in quotes, it's "fun". I don't want anyone confused out there. First of all, they lied and the advertised 55 Wacky Minutes was actually only 50, and to be honest, by 30 minutes I was about to put a bullet in my fucking skull. Apparently, there's only one of them with any real musical talent (the one in yellow) and they defer to him for singing most of the songs, the rest of the group plays instruments, but as it seems they're doing a Milli Vanilli, I'm not sure if any of them can actually play. You get to see lots of different animals, but sometimes they didn't even have footage of the animal, which was odd considering they were supposed to be at the Zoo, like the Emu. That was a little disappointing. If you're trying to teach kids about the animals, perhaps they should be able to see the animal you're talking about. Also, a couple times, they chintzed out and used footage from some concert they had held in leiu of actually doing the song on location. Other times, the video features poor children doing things they won't be proud of in let's say, another ten years, and the Wiggles occasionally deferring to animal costumed friends or the frightening Captain Feathersword who spins the suggestive songs Swim With Me and Cocky Want A Cracker. I shit you not. There was one moment where they got me to laugh with them, with sort of an old Captain Kangaroo kind of humor, right before Swim With Me, unlike when I was laughing at them when they appeared in Wiggles colored Mariachi outfits for Dingo Tango. (Okay, Mom and anyone who wants to have any respect for me ever again, please stop reading now.) By the end of the video, I had found myself obsessing over one of the Wiggles back up dancers, an innocent looking fresh-faced bleach blonde, um, female (If you're aware of the Wiggles dancers, there is a tubby bleach blonde guy with spiky hair who I was not obsessed with) who I wanted to do horrible, nasty things to. It was afterwards that I realized it was probably a good thing that she lives a few continents away. Ah, fuck it, I'm gonna go back and watch me some more Larissa. What? I did say obsessed, right? So, um, these sorts of films are dangerous and incite bad, bad thoughts, so I can't really recommend it for anyone. "It puts the lotion in the basket..."

Shaun works a dead end job, is busy referreeing his flatmates, has to go visit his Mum, his girlfriend just dumped him, and the world has just become infested with zombies. What's the plan? Go to the pub. I just don't get the easy ones to review anymore, do I? Admittedly, this film is an odd combination comedy-straight up zombie movie, that works incredibly well and doesn't seem out of place when it gives into serious drama territory. And I think that works, for the most part, because it is so normal and believable, well, outside of the living dead end of things. That's the sign of good writing, and a pretty damn good film, I have to admit.
And while this film is incredibly funny, a bit dry, but there is something about two guys digging through their record collection and deciding which albums are awful enough to use as weapons against zombies, there is also the horror aspect, which also at times it played for laughs making fun of cheap-production values of other films of the genre, it's still pretty gory and icky at times. It is still a zombie movie over all, and while it's not an overwhelming part of the movie, I just figured I should warn you about that. Overall, it's one of the funnier films I've seen in the past year, a close second to Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle.

Jena Malone plays Mary, a girl, impregnated by her homosexual boyfriend, going into her senior year at a Catholic High School. At odds with her popular and devout friend Hillary Faye (Mandy Moore), Mary finds her own way with the help of Cassandra, the trouble making and only Jewish student on campus, as they travel the road to prom. To make things worse, Mary is in love with the Pastor's son, Patrick (the kid from Almost Famous, all grown up) while her mother is starting an affair with Pastor Skip, unbeknownst to Mary. Meanwhile, Hillary Faye's handicapped brother, Roland (Macaulay Culkin), is busy finding his own way in life, and begins dating Cassandra. Okay, so in an overview, I can't do this film justice. It's all a little bizarre and the religious aspects of the film may keep some people who would enjoy it from taking a chance on it. The fact is that everyone in the film does a really good job, and I'm even beginning to forgive Macaulay Culkin for every part he ever took prior to Party Monster. He was young and wasn't ready to really start his acting career, I guess, but he is proving time and again that he will be an actor to contend with. This film is very funny, and honestly, could easily be the Breakfast Club of it's day. Not that I wish the acting curse placed on those actors to take root with this cast. It deals with serious issues, and even the bitchiest of the gang is actually sympathetic by the end of the film. I'd recommend giving this one a look, at the very least.

Okay, this film is about a guy's comic book, which is about his life. Harvey Pekar, played here by Paul Giamatti and himself, started his comic, American Splendor, after his famous friend, R. Crumb, started making it big with his comics. Not an artist, Pekar drew stick figure tales of his true life, no glamourizing or sugar put on top. He lucked out and Crumb and others added the artistic touches to his tales, starting an underground hit. The problem was it was still underground, not making enough cash to support Pekar. Of course, maybe that's for the best, since it kept Pekar at his old file clerk job, keeping him his angry, pessimistic self, able to churn out what his audience was looking for.
I was badgered to see this film by many people I know. And since I've been screwed in the past when people told me that I really needed to see a film (Swingers, Happiness) I've been a little leary when I receive that advice, okay, very worried. But post-film, finally having given in, I'm glad I saw it, and I think I know why so many of my friend's wanted me to see it. Pekar is very much like me, or very much like I was. I'm not free of that by any means, but I am no longer hunched over, giving the look of death to everyone I see. Giamatti really throws himself in, and gets Harvey's look and intonations down. In fact, all the cast really got their parts down from Judah Friedlander, who plays Harvey's "genuine nerd" friend, Toby, to James Urbaniak, who plays R. Crumb. Honestly, Paul Giamatti should have gotten my ass to see this in theaters. Since I saw him in Man On The Moon, I have been a pretty big fan of his work, not to say that he hasn't made huge blunders you couldn't pay me to see (Big Mama's House,) but I think I fought this film because on a surface level, it was one of those films I should see. The half-assed reasoning that I like comics so I should see it didn't wash with me and honestly made me fight twice as hard not to see it. It's like, yeah, I'm into comics. You're not gonna see me running out to rent Catwoman anytime soon. But the reasoning, which I should have been paying attention to from the beginning was that I needed to see this film because it was a good movie, with great acting and it was just fun to watch, especially for someone like me, who relates so well with the main character. And that's the reason I'm giving you to see it, if you haven't yet.

The film was only about halfway done when I first started thinking, "I really should start working out again." No it was more than that, I wanted to start working out right then and there. There is nothing like a film about the obesity epidemic to just kick you in the ass, especially if you've been sitting on it for a while. I did hold off until the after the film ended, and took part in what is normally a brutal workout after a few months off the routine. Yeah, so I'd have to say the film is pretty effective. Maybe I should explain it, if you don't know exactly the premise of this flick. In 2003, filmmaker Morgan Spurlock, decided to go on a diet of only McDonald's food for a month. Now, while documenting this high-fat diet of his, he also discusses the obesity epidemic of the United States, from 'frivolous' lawsuits which prompted his diet to school lunch programs in the U.S. to Jared from the Subway ads. I found the discussions of subconscious branding, as it related to candy cigarettes and smoking choices later, compared to McDonald's Playlands and Happy Meals/Happy Meal toys, and the very addictive ingredients of Value Meals offered at fast food restaurants to be the most interesting topics. Of course, Spurlock's personal journey which resulted in addiction and debilitating health, where several doctors compare the damage done to his liver to that of an alcoholic pickling his/her liver, puts a new perspective on this fast food nation. It's not just all about putting on the pounds or cholestorol. There are further reaching debilitating effects of this type of food, in the short and long term. In fact, this film has me seriously reconsidering my soda habit. Part of my mind says I need to have soda, with it's caffeine and sugar to fulfill my work and work hours, but could I manage without it? And could I be doing better, health-wise by removing that very harmful element of my diet? I may find out soon. It's definitely something I feel I need to explore. I have to say this film affected me very personally, and it's bound to give you some facts you're unaware of. Did you know that a can of Country Time lemonade has 36g of sugar in it, the same as a can of Coke? In fact, I just looked at my Mountain Dew here, 31g of sugar per serving. Did you bother to do the math and notice that a 64oz. Big Gulp at the local Speedway or 7-Eleven is just a 2 liter in a cup with a straw? I think it's an interesting and important film, and we all really need to reshape our thinking about what we're doing to our bodies, even in small ways, and what the corporations are doing to ensnare the young people of this nation. Everyone was crying how we had to protect the children from Janet Jackson's breast. Why don't we hear the same outrage about how we have to protect our children from Ronald McDonald?

After the horrible disappointment that was Blade II, I honestly wasn't expecting to go see Blade: Trinity at all. Of course, all that changed the moment I saw Ryan Reynolds in the trailers. You all know that I have a soft spot for the man, and no matter how incredibly bad the film would be, I had, HAD, to go. Fortunately for me, Blade: Trinity goes back to the roots of the first Blade film, take that as you will. I do know many people did not like the first Blade, but if you did, this is your kind of film. It's not a great work of cinema, and it's really, really cheesy at certain points, and those of you who appreciate that cheese factor I think will appreciate what this film has to offer. Sure, there is just horribly blatant product placement "must go buy an iPod and the new Jurassic 5 album," and the so-underdeveloped as to be not-developed-at-all Jessica Biel character is suffering from a severe case of Buffy envy, but that's okay. Parker Posey plays her villianous role a bit like Travolta, going well over the top early on, and that hurt my head a little, but by the end, she redeems herself by the end actually being fairly evil and funny. I think that's helped because she plays off Reynolds so well.
Anyhoo, I think I'm supposed to do some sort of synopsis of the film at some point, here, so let's try that. The vampires, who are sort of ill defined (for some reason Parker Posey is their leader and that's not ever really explained,) go to the fucking Iraqi desert and dig up Dracula, who is also left sort of vague, but that's a good thing. Many of them get eaten, but again, for some reason, he still goes with them. And they want to use him to kill Blade, while also using his blood to make themselves more powerful. Meanwhile, Blade is set up and hunted by the FBI, who eventually take out his base of operations along with his buddy, who died in the first film, Whistler. He is rescued by Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel, who reveal themselves part of an underground vampire hunting network, known as the Nightstalkers. They then go on a mission to get both Dracula and Posey's gang and possibly end vampirism forever.
I think that was thorough enough. So yeah, all those things I said before. I would also like to say that what I was a little scared of, screenwriter, David Goyer who also directed this installment of the series, did not screw up royal. He got rid of that non-stop frenetic energy that was the hallmark of Blade II, and actually used something called pacing, so the fight scenes were kind of exciting when they happened, allowing the story to unfold slowly and injecting lots of humor. Wow, enough time has passed that filmmakers and studios have realized not every film has to be The Matrix. That's a good thing. And the cussing quotient, while still there, has been reduced greatly. The one downside of the whole film is an extended role for WWE star, Triple H, as one of Posey's muscle entourage. Still, overall, if this is your bag, baby, if you liked the first Blade, if you're a Ryan Reynolds fan, I would recommend you check it out.

Yeah motherfucker, I went to see the Spongebob, despite me never having watched the cartoon before in my life. Ya'll thought I was kidding, didn't ya? As a Bikini Bottom virgin, I was delighted and surprised by the range of gags, and good-hearted simple characters. Spongebob is fresh and unabashedly eager, while Patrick is a beautiful package of absent-minded stupidity. And it's their quest to go to the perilous Shell City in order to retrieve King Neptune's crown and save Mr. Crabs' life, before Plankton rules Bikini Bottom forever. With thrills, chills, an occasional jarring mix of animation and real-life action, not to mention, a very special guest star, this film not only kept the kids fairly rapt, but amused me to no end. Which is a lot more than I can say for the dumbasses we saw coming out of Alexander, bitching how awful that film was. And let me say, right here, for the record, if you were fucking stupid enough to shell out any money, ANY MONEY, in order to go see Alexander, you have lost all rights to bitch about it. And no, you won't be seeing a review for that here anytime soon, or ever for that matter. I could see the steam coming off that cow flop from a mile away. So please, if you're looking for some entertainment at the theater this week, and you don't want to have to worry about what might be, go see Spongebob, 'cause he's all that and a goofy goober, to boot.
Okay, I talked with Jen, and she said she was kind of disappointed in the film as some of the TV episodes have been funnier than the film was. Now, don't take that to mean she wasn't laughing during the film though, just not as much as me, I guess.

What if there was some way to just make the pain go away? To just forget that hurt that's crippling your life right now, and never have it darken your soul again? Would things change? Would you be happy, or would things just get worse? Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet take us down the road of the ne'er remembered, in search of hope, love, pain, and ourselves. But it is not a road to be taken lightly, nor linearly, and it can get damned confusing if you're not paying attention. I really hate writing reviews for the films I like. Really, I can't think of much wrong with this film. My biggest complaint would have been this whole mystery aspect they have running early on in the film, that you can figure out almost instantly, and I feared they were going to drag that on until the end of the film, and try and surprise the audience. But, it's resolved well before the the halfway point, and I'm not exactly sure why they waste your time with it. I'm not sure if they felt that was a pacing issue or what, but it's a little weak. And in the end, that's all I can say negative about the film. Overall, I thought it was well acted and a great exploration of people and their relationships, and nature vs. nurture. How much of ourselves is just inherent? I'm not saying it has all the answers to this, or even the right ones, but it entertains and makes you think. I will warn you folks, this is a Charlie Kaufmann-penned film (Adaption, Being John Malkovich) so I will warn off those of you who I always warn off from these types of films. However, if you're thinking that you're still interested, I highly recommend checking it out. You may just want to buy it too. It's rare I'll give a film that big of stamp of approval, so take it for what you will.

A to E: 8 Mile, 8MM, 10 Things I Hate About You, 28 Days, American Psycho, Animal Factory, The Apartment, The Astronaut's Wife, Barbershop, Battlefield Earth, Bedazzled, Being John Malkovich, Best In Show, The Big Empty, Big Trouble, Billy Elliot, Biker Boyz, Blade II, Blast From The Past, Bounce, The Bourne Identity, Boys Don't Cry, The Brandon Teena Story, Braveheart, Breakfast At Tiffany's, Brokedown Palace, Brotherhood Of The Wolf, Bubble Boy, Cecil B. Demented, Chuck And Buck, Citizen Kane, RKO 281, Collateral, The Corruptor, The Count Of Monte Cristo, Coyote Ugly (preview), Cradle Will Rock, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Daredevil, Dark Blue, Darkness Falls, Deceiver, Deep Blue Sea, Dirty Dingus Magee, Dirty Work, Dream A Little Dream, Dungeons & Dragons, Elf, End Of Days, Entropy, Envy, Eyes Wide Shut

F to M: The Faculty, Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, FeardotCom, Femme Fatale, Final Destination, Following, Freddy Vs. Jason, Frequency, Gigli, Gladiator, Go, Gods And Monsters, The Godson, Haiku Tunnel, Happy TX, Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, Hearts In Atlantis, Heist, Hellboy, Hero, High Fidelity, Hollow Man, House Of 1000 Corpses, House On Haunted Hill, Ron Howard's Dr. Seuss' How The Grinch Stole Christmas, The Hulk, I (Heart) Huckabees, I Robot, An Ideal Husband, Idle Hands, Insomnia, The Iron Giant, The Italian Job, Jason X, Jersey Girl, Josie And The Pussycats, Kill Bill Volume 1, Kill Bill Vols. 1 & 2, A Knight's Tale, Knockaround Guys, The Ladykillers, The League Of Extrodinary Gentlemen, Lilo & Stitch, The Limey, Lost In Translation, The Majestic, Man On Fire, Man On The Moon, The Matrix Reloaded, The Matrix Revolutions, Mean Machine, Memento, The Mexican, A Mighty Wind, Miss Congeniality, Mission To Mars, Moulin Rouge, Mumford, The Mummy (1999)

N to Z: Napoleon Dynamite, National Lampoon's Van Wilder, The New Guy, O Brother Where Art Thou?, Old School, Orgazmo, Out Cold, Outside Providence, Panic Room, Party Monster, Phone Booth, Pi, Pollock, The Princess And The Warrior, Psycho Beach Party, The Punisher, The Red Violin, Resident Evil, Resident Evil - Apocalypse, Road Trip, Rounders, The Salton Sea, Saving Silverman, Scary Movie, Scary Movie 3, School Of Rock, Scooby-Doo, Scorched, The Score, Screwed, Searching For Bobby Fisher, Series 7 - The Contenders, Shadow Of The Vampire, The 6th Day, SLC Punk!, Sleepy Hollow, Soldier, Spider-Man, Starsky & Hutch, S.W.A.T., subUrbia, The Sum Of All Fears, swimfan, The Terminal, Terminator 3 - Rise Of The Machines, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), The Thomas Crown Affair, Three Kings, The Time Machine, Time And Tide, Titus, Lara Croft - Boob Raider, Tomb Raider - The Cradle Of Life, Training Day, The Transporter, Two Weeks Notice, Underworld, Urban Legend, Valentine, The Virgin Suicides, Vulgar, Waking Ned Devine, The Watcher, Way Of The Gun, Who's Harry Crumb?, Wonderland, Wrong Turn, X-Men, X2: X-Men United, xXx, The Zero Effect, Zoolander